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My dad used to say "being a girl is just better" because guys had to take out the trash and do the heavy lifting and bring home money. But "being a girl" wasn't better...not for me. I think what he thought was better was being my mom, or the boss, or the person who calls the shots - but not being a girl. 

living under "being a girl" just being "better" has made me feel weak. Because as a girl, I wasn't allowed things that normal *people* are or were. no college, no job experience that wasn't cancelled by my parents. I feel so weak, and they would have it that way. I take out the garbage to prove to myself that I can, I worked a summer at a lame job so that I could profe to myself that I could...but I still feel helpless. I feel like I was pushed into being helpless because the information that I needed to feel capable was intentionally withheld from me by people who thought they were doing what was right. 

I'm 20 and I'm fighting a war within myself. I feel vulnerable and scared and like this isn't something I should have to be facing...and yet I am. I could ignore it, and let the haunting thoughts disappear for a while only to come back again, harder. But when I think about it, this isn't an issue that I've just started to have...it's been an issue since puberty, since all of a sudden my gender mattered. I've fought and ignored this within myself  - the idea that "being a girl is just better", but yet is not the way I can or want to live. It's brought me to the point where I loathe myself, I loathe the fact that I am a woman, that I'm a girl...that I'm still a delicate flower hiding behind an iron shell that does more damage to me than if I were out in the open.

I feel like crying, for the me that's still locked inside. The me that needs to be accepted but that I don't know how to accept. There's a corner of myself that I've hidden away, and I don't know what to do about it. There's a little 13 year old me crying, hating her entire being and trying to get out, but there's too much in the way for me to find her, so we tear at eachother and I hurt myself inside because I don't know what to do. Because I *am* the 13 year old buried away and I can't help myself until I find something...until I find a way that being a woman doesn't mean weakness or sheltered to me, but instead means beauty and strength. Because I want that to be the answer, I *need* that to be the answer but I don't know how to make that true enough to me that I can take it, and that it'll hold against all of the lies and half truths so thoroughly embedded against my will. 


Sometimes I struggle under the weight of womanhood. 

Sometimes I lose myself in the baggage that I associate with it. 

Because of the lies I've been taught - the unfair un-truths that were my examples as a young girl. I don't value being a woman, when all I see and know is my experience and similar experiences and teachings of others.

I don't see the value in my womanhood, because I don't accept the definition ingrained into my being. Yet, I don't know where else to look.

I'm surrounded by the concept and assumption that womanhood = motherhood, and I am no mother. 
This stifles me and makes me feel trapped within my skin. I wish that I could be separate from my gender and just be a person.

Sometimes I struggle under the weight of womanood because I don't know where to find the truth and beauty of it. 


 how do you communicate with people who are incapable of seeing themselves in a mirror/ have no ability (or have deeply hidden it) to introspect?


 So I realized what it is about all of my married friends getting pregnant suddenly that bothers me. It stems from something my mom told me about when all my friends were going to college (or thinking about it) and I wasn't. 

She was basically like, get used to it (losing your friends). Because it happens, people will go to college and make their own friends there, and then they'll get married and only hang out with married people and then when they have kids, they'll only be friends with people who have kids. It's just how it works.


So basically I'm terrified that all my friends who just got married (I JUST STARTED HAVING MARRIED FRIENDS!) are going to leave me and have more fun with other people with babies. 



TOO MANY PEOPLE I KNOW ARE PREGNANT. Seriously. It's like, every week someone I know is finding out that they're spawning. 

so many people I'm going to have to hide from my newsfeed and who, by the end of the year or early next will no longer be the same.

They'll turn into parents. 

I hate hormones.

So I emailed a hormone specialist my MIL recommended. She said I need double-strength progesterone cream to help with my hormones which are horribly imbalanced (as I suspected, due to not perioding and being in PMS-mode to varying degrees of horror for the last, almost three months). 

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm miserable, I'm like, the complete opposite of myself and I have to work really hard to be what's usually normal for me. 

So I bought the cream. I forgot to take it yesterday and was horribly antsy and depressed. Took it again first thing this morning and felt better emotionally until the afternoon when I felt sick and went back to feeling unmotivated and mildly depressed and it's been with me all the rest of the day. I managed to apply for some jobs while I was feeling okay, and then spent most of the day feeling an odd mix of gloomy, nervous, and hopeful. I wish I knew how to sell my paintings..or that I could get paid for illustrations. Maybe I'll check out that ad on craigslist that's a pay-per-illustration for greeting cards. $70 a thing is pretty good, and I could totally do 5 or more a week.  So I just applied.

I hope that works out, I'd LOVE that.

now I feel sick again.

I hope I get better. I feel lame for having to think about and take so many things. Progesterone cream (which means Alex won't touch me for a long time afterwards) vitamins - calcium, evening primrose, 5HTP and Vitex if I even remember/feel like it, I SHOULD be taking a multivitamin with iron as well. I'm so tired of it. Why can't my body just like, un-fuck itself.  


Note: this is not an article about what the bible says about modesty. This is not about being a proverbs 31 woman. This isn't even about what to wear. It's definitely not about how women need to guard the minds of men.  It *is* about my thoughts and what I've noticed having come out of the modesty movement. 

What We're Told 

The first thing I think when I hear the word "Modesty" is "hype", "unfair", and "wrong". But this wasn't always the case. No, when I was young, I was under the impression that somehow I was supposed to enjoy being feminine while at the same time, trying to live like I did not have a developing body, and like it was something to hidden and ashamed of. I thought that it was bad to be pretty, I thought that men would come after me if I showed anything above my knee or over my shoulder. This contributed to years of hating myself, hating my body, hating that I could do nothing about it. I felt ugly, I didn't think I was allowed to feel pretty. My parents didn't tell me this - it was just from books, and blogs, and women's teaching. I was slowly putting myself in a trap - a trap I didn't know how to get out of until much later, until I took the time to step away from the emotions, to step away from the idea of "helping" and started seeing the way we talk about and preach modesty for what it is. Wrong. Sexist. Counterproductive.

On one hand, we're telling men that since they can't handle their thoughts, we're going to try to. Instead of teaching them control, we're teaching them that they are incapable in some way. When they leave and go to college or get married (and buy lingerie) instead of being confident and cool and able to control their bodies and thoughts like normal human beings, they are scared of themselves - because we have tried to take their responsibility and put it on ourselves and try to control their thoughts under the guise of helping.

I’ve noticed that I, and I think it might be a tendency in women in general, tend to take responsibility for things that I can’t actually control. I’ve been known to apologize to Alex for the weather being messy when we had plans, which is, ridiculous, because I can’t control it, and yet, I still felt like it was my fault that we couldn’t do what we wanted to somehow – like I didn’t have the forethought to make it sunny or something. So it’s important that with the issue of dress, we don’t become *so* caught up in it that we forget to enjoy life (and our bodies, and our clothes) because we’re constantly trying to control other people’s thoughts (that we can’t possibly read).

And this is what women are told: we are sinful, our bodies cause our fellow humans to "stumble", it's our fault (even though no one can actually control their genetics) and we must help boys who can't control themselves. The thing is, this takes women and objectifies them just as much, if not more than the proponents' perception of "the world". It sucks to be a girl. And it sucks to be a boy. To grow up and not learn or have any motivation to adapt to people and control their thoughts. To struggle with real life women instead of homeschool-bubble girls and have to learn life on the fly. Conversely, growing up with a huge weight on our shoulders because the fate of the minds of men rest in our outward appearance. Both living with guilt and self-hatered and confusion because of something that you simply can not control.

And somehow, somewhere, the message that "it's inside that counts" gets lost and convoluted in the turmoil. So we're supposed to be ugly, so no one notices us, or we're supposed to not show *anything* so no one notices our skin and gets distracted. Honestly, _not_ skin, is equally as distracting. Sheltered guys find baggy clothes and denim jumpers *sexy*. 

I'll let that sink in for a minute. 

They find the clothes we're forced into, the clothes we wear with the thought that we're keeping their hearts pure....sexy. Why? because we're all told that *what we wear* on the modesty scale is a bigger deal than *how we act*. The modesty groups are over sexualizing *themselves*. And this, is while *women* are dressing "modestly". Girls, we can not control how or what others think, nor is it our responsibility. Men need to (and eventually do) learn that they are responsible for their thoughts, they *can* control themselves, and THEY ARE NOT PIGS like they are so often made out or assumed to be. 

Modesty is Cultural.

The accepted clothes and styles are completely defined by culture, and when you go out of those bounds - by showing too much, or by showing too little, you stand out like a sore thumb. Oddly, the idea that I had with modesty, was that we were supposed to be virtually invisible. Try doing that in long skirts and baggy tshirts with layers underneath, or high-waist mom jeans. Next to the rest of our culture wearing clothes that fit, and/or clothes that express their personality. Overdressing (in the too-many-clothes sense) stands out just as much as underdressing (in the too few clothes sense). 

A woman covered from head to toe can be completely immodest in the way she carries herself, while a woman wearing normal clothes can be completely modest with the way she acts. "Modesty" isn't (well shouldn't be) about what to wear or what not to wear or how much neck to show, it's about how you act. If you act with dignity while walking around in a tube top and a short skirt and treat people with respect, you will be respected. If you act the opposite while wearing an ankle length denim skirt and don't treat people well, you'll get what you're giving. 

One of the most freeing experiences with dress happened last summer, I bought my very first tube top and short skirt and was walking around town one summer day and I noticed something: I wasn't being chased, stalked, or raped. In fact, no one even took a second look at me, and I felt beautiful. I have caught some people checking me out on occasion, and I feel flattered, but never any animals. And you know what, it's natural. Men and women, sheltered or not, are going to notice other men and women. That does not mean they are "lusting" or "stumbling" - most well adjusted people, are well adjusted, looking at other people and noticing their particular beauty is just a fact of life, it's a beautiful thing. Our bodies are beautiful, and they are okay to enjoy. 


I want to give CJ Mahaney "I'm a guy and therefore I know WOMEN need to coddle my insecurites and make it so I don't lust!" a giant FUCK YOU. 

 Yes, lets shirk all our responsibility as men to GROW THE FUCK UP and place it on young women and tell them they're "helping"



 I don't like being female. I haven't since I was 12. What most girls are cool with and look forward to, I loathe, and I loathe myself for something I can't and never will be able to control. I have my reproductive system, I hate that exists, I hate that every month I'm bedridden for a few days because it hurts to much to move, and even if it didn't I don't have the energy. I hate how it makes me feel - dirty, messy, ugly. I have a hard time being comfortable - either burning up or freezing. I'm sorry but boobies are just not worth the pain I have to go through every month - the way I feel sick and my skin is irritated, I want to sleep but can't, my moods swing like pendulums and all I can do is lay here groaning trying to pretend it doesn't exist. Lock myself in my room with the xbox, computer, book and liquid....ask for food when I'm hungry and don't leave unless I need to go to the bathroom. I don't want to be touched because I feel like I'm an oozing blob of disgustingness. To top it all off, I have no desire to reproduce, so the system is perfectly useless. In fact, I hate the idea of reproducing so much it freaks me out and sends me mentally into a psych ward. 

I wish I were a guy. Where the only stuff I'd ooze is pee and sperm and that feels good. Nipples wouldn't be irritated, I wouldn't even have to wear a shirt if I didn't want to. I'd only have to be cautious about my balls - but I'm not stupid. I wouldn't bleed and be bedridden for days on end, or in so much pain or feeling so bad I couldn't do much leading up to it. Contraceptives wouldn't give me cancer and I wouldn't have to fucking chart my stupid cycle because I wouldn't have one. I'd just have to make sure I cleaned up, wore a condom, and shaved my beard before it got prickly. :P 

I hate being able to spawn. People don't understand when I say I prayed for infertility and early menopause. I don't think people think that I am dead serious when I say I don't want kids, ever. They think I'll change my mind. But dude, I've hated this about myself since I got it 8 years ago, I decided I didn't want kids (and looked up all my options) when my mom was pregnant with the last one 3 years ago, if anything I've gotten firmer in that stance.  I wish they had something permanent for people who were under 30 (or 21 for that matter) and haven't spawned. Something non-cancerous. I'm really ticked I got off the pill, but the way DH stresses about things, it wasn't worth it....that and I had all the "you should get off now" signs. Sigh. Why can't there be something that doesn't involve an INSANE amount of work? I loved the pill, I knew when I was going to bleed and for how long, I took it religiously. I'm horny at the worst time (ovulating :P) and even though we use condoms I still stress. I just want to LIVE. I don't want my FUCKING reproductive system to have to dictate everything. I want to be able to not worry. I want to be able to have sex and enjoy it and not be afraid. It's taken me almost 2 years ON THE PILL to be okay with the idea and that maybe there won't be a spawn. :P 

Why the hell am I girl? I hate it so fucking much. WHY CANT I JUST GET RID OF THIS BEAST? There's got to be SOMETHING that will make being a girl less HORRIBLE. Surgery? an egg zapping machine? a block? SOMETHING? it's the freakin' 21st century, we've got to have something less archaic. 



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